The Strongest Chains Are The Ones You Forge Yourself

Life is a journey, and along the way it's possible to lose sight of the path. Over time, as I've worked on self improvement I've shed negativity and misdirected anger like a snake shedding its skin.

With one notable exception. I chose to harbor negative feelings on one subject and express them frequently. All of us have a pet subject or two that we're unwilling to relinquish. Like heavy boozing, being mean for its own sake can be fun and entertaining. However, like heavy drinking, it takes a toll, albeit a psychological rather than a physical one.

Over time, the cumulative effect of hanging on to that bitterness added up. I began to notice it tarnishing my psyche in other aspects of my life. Opportunity, previously abundant, declined. Good decisions were replaced by bad ones. By nurturing bad feelings on one single subject, I was harming myself in many other ways. Much like probing an abscess or a sore tooth brings brief satisfaction, leaving it unhealed only spread the sickness further.

Sometimes the obvious lessons are so obvious, and so right in front of you that it's hard to see them. Once I realized the damage I had done to myself, and begun to heal, the positive changes began to add up almost instantly, on every level of my life. Now that I've found the path again, it's so obvious I can't believe that I didn't see it before.

Now that I've set myself free from shackles that I created for myself, I can look back and recognize how badly I had limited myself by holding on to bad feelings that didn't benefit me in any way. Now it's time to make up for time wasted on unfruitful pursuits, and keep moving forward.

Time To Start Listening To The Universe

My earlier post entitled "Find A Way Or Make One" caused me to meditate on aphorisms, and how they get restated or reiterated. Oftentimes, they endure, because the underlying truth is there, regardless of semantic differences.

One aphorism that resonated with me when I first heard it is, "The universe will keep sending you the same message until you finally get it."

It's coherent advice, whether you believe in a God, gods, a higher power, the wheel of karma or that we live in a Newtonian world of apparently stochastic events.

Even if you eschew the idea of a Higher Power, you probably still believe in cause and effect. Regardless of what your particular demons are, the consequences of being ruled by them are going to keep happening to you until you get over them.

You're going to keep receiving the same message, and it's telling you that "this isn't working" until you finally clue in and realize that if want a different result, you need a different process. Unhappy with the outcome? Change what you've been doing to get there.

Find A Way Or Make One

"We will either find a way, or make one!"
-- Hannibal

You don't have to be a bloody-handed warlord seeking to sack the capital of an empire to find useful meaning in Hannibal's famous quote.

In fact, it mirrors my favorite aphorism, which is "If you want to do something you'll find a way, if you don't you'll find an excuse."

If you look around, the underlying principle has been reiterated over and over again, one way or another. Pablo Picasso once said "Everything is either easy or impossible." And martial artist James Williams explains it thusly:

One of the core principles of Nami Ryu is that every problem comes with its own solution. Problems are not presented that do not have solutions. It's the way the universe works. Our task becomes to recognize the existing solution instead of trying to solve the problem from a preconceived technical or philosophical framework.

Without further belaboring the point, look at your own life with your eyes wide open. Many of the things you perceive as threats or barriers are magnified by your fears, and less daunting once you start actively working to achieve the solutions you need.

Aim Between The Trees

When I lived in the mountains, I had the good fortune to ski with people who were far better skiers than me; professional instructors, ski patrollers and mountain guides. Few things encourage skill development more than having to keep up with people who are better at something than you are (which is a whole other blog post in itself).

In addition to skiing with people who raised the bar for me, another benefit of skiing with pro instructors was free ski lessons worth thousands of dollars. You see, good ski instructors are natural educators; they love to teach, it's in their blood, and even when they're off the clock, they can't stop. Those on-piste and backcountry days with my new friends were liberally sprinkled with friendly advice. I quickly learned to keep my mouth shut, smile and nod, and apply what they were teaching me.

One of the most obvious yet important tips was that when you're moving downhill at high speed, don't fixate on the obstacles like rocks and trees, look between them. Where you look is where you steer. If you stare at an immovable object, your brain will steer you towards it. Look at the space between the trees, and that's where you brain will steer you.

Simple advice, and it's true whether you're skiing, biking, driving a car, or even living your life.

The temptation to fixate on the perils of daily life is almost irresistible: losing your job, breaking up a relationship, or whatever. When a big scary iceberg is looming in front of you, it's hard not to focus on it.

Yet you must not. You need to be aware of it, and you have to be prepared to deal with it, but staring at it and obsessing over it is no more effective than a deer's strategy of staring at the oncoming headlights.

If anything, fixating on your obstacles to the exclusion of any thoughtful problem solving is a self-sabotaging behavior. If you obsess over it and worry yourself sick over it, you risk steering yourself towards exactly that outcome: the one you didn't want in the first place.

If you fear losing your job, and you subconsciously decide that it's a predetermined outcome, guess what? You're going to push yourself over the brink, maybe without even knowing that you're doing it.

The space between the trees is the positive outcome you want to have happen. Focus on it, plan for it, and take the steps you need to make in order to reach it. The trees and rocks are still going to be there, that's the way life is, but steer between them, not straight at them.

Now Say Something Positive

The fact that negativity is rewarded in society is self-evident to anyone who can turn on a television or read a gossip website. It's pervasive, and we're all encouraged to be that way, pretty much all the time.

It's pervasive, because society rewards it, by and large. From Perez Hilton, to the unprivate woes of the Jon and Kate Plus 8 couple, it seems like we all love to hate.

I know personally, the blog posts I've made at LeeDistad.com that say snide things about business issues get far more traction than the ones that don't. Like the food critic in Ratatouille said, it's often fun to be negative and mean for it's own sake.

Don't forget that a little cynicism is healthy. Certainly, it doesn't hurt to be unafraid to point out to someone that they're pissing on your leg and trying to tell you it's raining.

But how much is enough? If you're a bottomless pit of cynicism, how are you going to enjoy life at all? Who even wants to spend time with you if everything out of your mouth is a critique?

Like all guilty pleasures, negativity is something that you have to enjoy in moderation. If, like booze, you feel powerless over it, maybe the best thing you can do for yourself is abstain.

Another alternative, is that if you indulge in negative commentary, follow it with something positive. Say to yourself, "Now say something positive." Much like a palette-cleanser between courses, refocusing on positivity will help get the taste out of your mouth.

There's A Fine Line Between Goals And Barriers

While setting goals is critical, you need to achieve them. That's the whole point, after all.

Oddly enough, goals can become barriers. You set them, but never reach them. Or if you do reach them, it took an unusual amount of time and effort to do so.

Self-sabotaging thoughts and behaviors come in a lot of different guises, and can have many different underlying motivations.

Making a conscious effort to change and progress can be one of the scariest things a person can undertake. Even in the most motivated individual, deep down you'll find kernels of doubt and worry.

Often, when faced with a goal, there's a feeling of existential dread, of worrying "what then?" Other times, you lack a deep-seated belief that you can do it. Wanting it, and wanting to do it are two different things. Lots of people "want" things, but lack the resolve to take the steps on the path to get there.

Set goals. Achieve them. Once you're there, set some new goals and set about achieving them.

Quote Of The Day, Now With Commentary

"If you want to do something you'll find a way, if you don't you'll find an excuse."

-- Unattributed

As fond as I am of motivational aphorisms, this is the one that's most dear to me. So much so that it's on my computer's screen saver.

It really speaks to me because, for me at least, it cuts both ways. It's 100% true for me, in that it reflects both the best and the worst of my character.

Since that quote says it all, I'm not going to belabour the obvious here. I'll just say that central to making big positive changes in your life is to figure out exactly what you really want. Not what you kind-of want in a vague, half-assed way, nor what it's hip or fashionable to want. No, find out what you really want, and once you know that you'll do the things to need to do to get it.

"It Looks Like Someone's Got A Case Of The Mondays"

I'm not a big fan of small talk. For one thing, it's how people who barely know each other kill time during interpersonal interactions at work, school, or the grocery store without having to go to the trouble of getting to know each other better.

For another, some people's brains are on autopilot when they engage in small talk. For some, the opposite of talking isn't listening, it's waiting and thinking about what they're going to say next.

Another good reason to examine small talk is to take an honest look at how much negativity gets thrown around in casual discussions.

Examine your own conversational habits. How much of what you say to fill up space is a complaint? Complaints about the boss, about the hours, about the kids, about the weather?

The weather, that's always a popular topic to bitch about. Where I live, winter has begun to settle in. Complaining about the weather is a "safe" topic that people can use to drum up some contrived camaraderie.

But what's the point? The weather is what it is, whether you like it or not. I remind myself of what Milton wrote, that "The mind is its own place and in itself, can make a Heaven of Hell, a Hell of Heaven." Winter's here, and it's not going to disrupt my serenity. I dress warm, drive safely, and enjoy the life I've made for myself, indoors or out.

-30 with the windchill doesn't impinge on my personal happiness, so why whine about it?

Why whine about anything, really?

I acknowledge that small talk is socially necessary. The checkout line at the grocery store is no place for an in-depth discussion of anything. Regardless, every time you speak with another person, you have an opportunity to be a positive influence, even in the smallest ways.

If what you feed grows, why would you foster negativity? Think about what you have to say, and be positive.

What You Feed Grows

If you have a garden, and you only fertilize the weeds, but not the flowers and the vegetables, then the plants you don't want will grow bigger and stronger than the plants you want.

The same thing is true with your thoughts. Most people have both good thoughts and bad thoughts running through their heads. Unfortunately, it's easy to fall into the bad habit of dwelling on and nurturing the bad thoughts. Like all habits, running a discouraging internal monologue can be a tough habit to break.

What you feed grows. Make the decision to dwell on and nurture postive thoughts about yourself and others. When negative thoughts come to you, put them aside and think about something else that's positive instead. In time, thinking positively will be as much of a habit as thinking negatively used to be.

No Idols, No Pedestals

This topic has been sitting in the draft folder for nearly a week, because I was trying to find an angle to make my point without coming across as a jerk. So let's just go for it.

It's great to have role models, and goals to which you aspire. In fact, I'd say that they're necessary. But the last thing anyone who is committed to success should do is to idolize another person, put them on a pedestal or make them your hero.

Idolizing someone is a mental construct that causes you to place them above you. Once you've programmed yourself into a subservient role that way, there will be a small part of your psyche that shys away from excelling. It sounds silly, and it is, but you'll begin subconsciously sabotaging your best efforts to avoid the emotional stress that comes from unseating your idol, and the uncertainty that follows afterwards.

Respect the achievements of others, but remember that "what one man can do, so can another," set big goals for yourself, and always look to better yourself in the ways you've decided to grow as a person.

Perfect Is The Enemy Of Great

Quentin Tarantino said that "directors never finish their films, they abandon them."

One of the biggest challenges to achieving excellence is the little voice inside your head that warns you that your efforts aren't good enough. Self-awareness and introspection are crucial to growth, but it's easy to fall into the trap of being your own worst critic.

"Paralysis by analysis" can tie you up in knots, and interfere with your ability to be productive.

Even today, when completing feature stories or weekly columns, prior to submitting them to my editors, a little voice inside sometimes thinks "Oh god, this is shit. I can't hand this in!"

Fortunately I've learned to give that little voice no power. I know that my work is appreciated, so listening to irrational fear instead of the positive feedback of others makes no sense.

If you hold off on getting something completed until it's "perfect" then you risk never accomplishing anything. At the very worst, you're better off doing something, anything, than doing nothing.

By all means, look for opportunities to improve and accept constructive criticism, but it's just as important to believe in yourself, believe in the value of what you can do, and go do it!

Boredom Is Self-Centeredness

How often do you complain about being bored?

If you are, what do you do about it?

Lots of people presume that other people, places, or things are responsible for their happiness. With that assumption in place, when outside factors fail to excite them, they're left with nothing. They're bored.

Where is it written that it's the responsibility of everything around you to keep you amused? Boredom is self-centeredness: expecting other people to wait on you like a king with his court jester.

I take to heart two quotes: Zelda Fitzgerald's "She was never bored mainly because she was never boring," and John Milton's "The mind is its own place, and in itself, can make heaven of Hell, and a hell of Heaven." The lessons there are clear as day if you're ready to accept them.

There is nothing that will come to you in this life that you don't take for yourself. Happiness is no different. If you're "bored" take the initative, and do something to fix it. The best place to start is by not being boring.

Whatever Happens, You'll Handle It

It's all too easy to live in fear: fear of getting fired, fear of getting dumped, fear of cancer, fear of missing your bus, fear of fear itself.

Certainly the news media doesn't help much, constantly bombarding us with a whole litany of things that we're expected to be afraid of: disease, terrorists, pit bulls, serial killers and sexual deviants, not to mention telling us to be afraid of the air we breathe and the food we eat, and even the sun.

But what's the point? Why waste your mental energies fantasizing about scenarios where something terrible happens to you? That's no way to live. It's doubly true when you consider that the terrible things that people obsess over are either only remotely likely or completely trivial.

When a terrible thought comes to you, ask yourself: What's the worst that could happen? And then ask what's the worst that could happen after that. And after that. Once you reduce the chain of consequences and take a wider view, you'll see that your mountains are merely molehills. If you apply yourself and realize just how much is within your power to change, you'll realize that nothing is ever as bad as you fear.

If anything, the anticipatory fear of an event is far worse than the event itself.

When beset by Fear, Uncertainty and Doubt, tell yourself "Whatever happens, I'll handle it." Believe in yourself. You've handled what life has dealt you in the past, the future should be no different.